welcome to the desperate in-between

does anyone else appreciate a good beauty blogger? like the ones on instagram that are literally so perfect that i don’t know if i admire their beauty or slightly kinda somewhat envy it. just keepin it real. i know i’m not the only one so don’t even pretend you ladies don’t spend hours watching @livingmybeststyle on instagram. i have noticed that i unintentionally compare my life to hers all the time. here’s how it goes in my head: picture the most stunning gal you know. always put together. long, beautiful lashes. freshly highlighted hair. makeup is done every day as if jaclyn hill did it herself. that’s her. that’s katy. she is honestly so stunningly beautiful. now picture this... an average gal sitting in a desk chair with her hair in a very messy bun. not a drop of makeup on her face. extra large t-shirt on and not even a cute one. eating nutella straight out of the jar just like her mom told her not to. that’s me. hello, world.

listen ladies, no one… i mean no one… has it all together all the time. i mean heck about halfway through writing that first paragraph i accidentally punched myself in the face trying to pull my blanket up. so there’s that. (mom if you’re reading this, please turn up the thermostat i’m freezing)

but y’all as much as we admire these gorgeous people on the internet, we have to come to the reality that they are not perfect. they don’t wake up with a smile on their face everyday. they probably have dirty dishes in their bedroom too. their check engine light might be on in their car just like mine currently is. they have problems in their relationships as well. reality comes and hits them like a train sometimes - no different from you and i. they just aren’t as open about it - which might be their biggest downfall in my opinion. but let’s make a pack. you and me. let’s not do that. let’s not cover our flaws and pretend they aren’t there. let’s be more open with each other. because knowing that you might be going through the same thing i’m dealing with makes me feel a lot less alone in this battle. and hopefully vice versa.

ladies and gents, lets me more vulnerable. vulnerability is beautiful. i truly believe with all of my heart and soul that the most courageous thing you can do is to be completely honest with yourself. takes some kind of bravery to show people your heart. we are called to embrace our storms so we can share our stories. do that. it’s tough and sometimes it sucks, but people need to hear your story. people need you. yeah, that gift you’ve been hiding, someone out there is in desperate need of it. this blog that has been sitting in my drafts for weeks, someone out there might need this. there is a world of people out there that need you and me. so what do you say we start being unapologetic about our vulnerable side. i’ll start :)

here’s my truth.

this past month has been overwhelming. some good stuff, some bad. but nonetheless- overwhelming. somedays i feel like i can conquer the world. and there are other days i try to get out of my car with my seatbelt on (just gotta say yikes and move on)

but if i’m being completely open with you, i’ll admit that i’ve been feeling so much bitterness in my heart lately. when our normal gets taken away from us, it sucks. it’s painful. i wish i could tell you that i have the “i am beyoncé always” attitude. but this feeling of bitterness is doing more of a number on me than i care to admit. so there’s my truth. ugly as it is, or at least feels, its honest. and real.

but y’all. god is changing my heart. as much as i wish i could just get rid of the part of me that begs for understanding, i am starting to be really grateful for it. because it has brought me radically closer to god. time and time again god has shown me that if i want that peace that surpasses all understanding, i have to give up my right to understand.

here’s a little piece of wisdom i’ve learned through this process of being extremely hard-headed when it comes to trying to understand why god does what he does sometimes. why he takes away the things that we love.

truth be told, i think i know exactly why. when god doesn’t have your attention, he will disturb what does. don’t fight him on that. he doesn’t want to take something away from you just to see you unhappy. that's just crazy talk. god intends on giving you everything your sweet heart desires, but there are some things he needs you to go through first. he wants to purify you and cleanse your heart. he wants to be sure you have the right motives and that you’re gonna be okay once he gives you a slap ton of responsibility. he allows you to go through these tough times because he cares more about you than he does your comfort. comfort is a dangerous thing sometimes. and when you’re forced out of that shiny little bubble of comfort, you feel weak as all get out. but this may be the most important time of your life: when you’re at your weakest. what you do with your weakness is so crucial y’all. so. freaking. important. don’t waste your weakness by becoming weaker. do things everyday that propel you into the destiny that god has for you. draw near to him because he sees what is on the other side of your pain: a blessing that is bigger than you could ever even dream of and better than anything you’ve ever experienced. he puts you through tough seasons because he loves you. we have to trust that. simple truths, y’all

i’m choosing to believe that all my best moments are still waiting for me on the other side of this. i’m choosing to believe that this too shall pass. it might pass like a kidney stone, but it’ll pass. overall, i’m choosing to seek the lover of my soul - jesus.