an apology to myself.

i wanted to write this blog as a follow up to my testimony. after i had gotten saved, i felt an immediate peace and the feeling hasn't gone away - but because of my past, i still hated myself for doing the things i did. even though God had forgiven me, i couldn't come to a point to forgive myself. i knew how unclean and unholy my past was. i knew the sins i had committed. i knew all of this. what i didn't know is that all those thoughts were from the devil. in my testimony, i mentioned that i struggled with battling the human flesh. and as a teenager, i was told lie after lie from our society about sex. i was told that everyone was doing it. i was told that it was just physical. i am writing this to tell you that everyone is not doing it and it is most certainly not just physical. anyone that has a past of sinning sexually knows the shame and regret that follows. sex is different from any other sin. when a female is raped, why is it that she reports it differently than if she would have just been beaten up? because it's not just physical. it's deeper than that. so much deeper that it has the power to scar you emotionally and mentally. if you ask me what my greatest regret is, i am not going to tell you about that one time i took one of my mom's checks in fifth grade and wrote it out for $100 to spend at the book fair. no, it's deeper than that. sex is not just physical, and when we treat it as a physical act, we are doing ourselves harm. there is a lie in our society from the enemy that experience is essential. is it really? no, experience is not essential, wisdom is. we need more wisdom in this generation. we need to learn how to say no to our feelings and desires because we know our God has a plan, and God's desires are much higher than ours.

one thing i have picked up along the way of my spiritual journey, is that it's a healing process. i was shaming myself for my past and i felt that God was getting frustrated because i just couldn't let it go. but God was not frustrated with me, if anything, He was glad i was turning to Him for help and telling Him my problems. if it matters to you, it matters to God. but even after all that, i found out this: sex is not a bad thing (wait, whaaaatt) yeah, it's true. sex is a good thing. God is for sex. God is into sex. why? because He created it. do you wanna hear something even more crazy? God hasn't called you to be a virgin. no, God has called you to something much deeper than that. God has called you to purity. the bible says that man should only have sexual relations with his wife, and woman should only have sexual relations with her husband. but why? why should we save ourselves for marriage? because sex is not just a physical act. it is something intimate. it is something that effects you deep down in your soul. and something that should be saved for your spouse. it's not something for a teenage guy to take advantage of.

staying pure means walking in God's plan, the way He wants you to. He doesn't want you to have sex before marriage. do you ever wonder how people can have sex with other people they don't know? it's because they have no morals, no base to build on. purity means having morals that reflect God's desires for us. "when you remove morals from the human equation, you remove humanity form the human equation." c. s. lewis

after i finally realized all of this, i began to think about why i couldn't let go of the shame and regret from my past. and guess what... it was because of the enemy (not even surprising anymore) the enemy knew that once i figured out that God had a plan for my life, i had a destination to get to. i had a goal. and the enemy knows these things about you, and he will tear you down. he will do anything in his power to delay you from reaching your destination and your goal. and just wait, it gets better. God let's this happen. yes, He let's the enemy attack. not because God wants to punish you or break you, but because He wants to show the enemy how strong your faith is. He wants you to demonstrate to others how strong your faith is. it's not to harm you, believe me, He will wreck your plans before they wreck you, so don't worry about that. but it's to build you. so don't be so hard on yourself. give it to God, and let it go.