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It seems like I have a problem. I am an emotional train wreck. I honestly blame the TV show “Jane the Virgin”, but I’ll spare you from that talk. I like when people are brutally honest with me, no matter how hard it is…
So let’s talk.
I need to get something off my chest. I am in a place in my life, or season, however you want to receive this sentence, that people don’t really talk about. I am a broken person right now, and no, not because Rafael doesn’t love me (or know me...yet), but because for the last couple of weeks, God has been tearing me up with this verse:
“Why do you call me “Lord” but not do what I say?” Luke 6:46
For the ones out there that don’t like to over spiritualize, I’ll admit that it is really hard for me to hear someone say that God “told them” something and not be a little skeptical about it. But I do believe God is telling me that this verse is where I’ve missed it. After reading the words of Luke 6:46 over and over again, I realized that for quite some time now, I have been screaming for Jesus to fill voids in my life but not willing to give him everything. Allow me to give you a lame analogy so you can put my reaction to this realization into perspective… you know in Mario Cart when you go from 1st place to 11th because you slipped on your own banana? Yeah, that’s how I feel. So lately, I have rationalized huge areas of my life. And I am not okay, because here is the raw, brutal truth about me: I write these blogs and talk about Jesus with a big smile on my face and a huge hole in my heart.
Pleasing everyone around me has always been more than necessary to me, so removing people from my life because they don’t line up with the word has been something I have had serious self-conflict with. I never thought I would have had to do this because the “toxic” people in my life were not cruel with bad intentions like you would imagine a toxic person to be. Some of them loved me dearly, but just because they weren’t bad doesn’t mean they were the right people for me. I knew I couldn’t let this feeling go… I had to listen to God, and as hard as it was, I had to let them go. Like Johnny Moore once said, “If you’re in pain, pull the dagger out of your own heart.” I couldn’t keep destroying myself for the sake of someone else. The only way to win with a toxic person, is not to play.
When I began to cut off the negativity in my life, the true colors started revealing themselves within everyone I had relations with. All of a sudden, I was the bad guy. It was like I went from being the cool, hippie Phoebe Buffay to her evil twin sister, Ursula. (At least I didn’t make another Jane the Virgin joke. The views on this blog would have dropped faster than Michael’s heart rate… too soon?) OK I’M SORRY.
Anyways, it was almost like people preferred me when I was ignorant and out of my mind. Or they preferred me when I was drunk and would let people run all over me, so when I started setting up boundaries… that’s when we started having issues. And that’s when I started regretting my choice to obey God. But I eventually started coming to my senses about a couple things…
Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize after I’ve said them.
It’s okay. I mean heck, if they can’t connect to where I’m going, then we might as well end it right now because I’m in a season in my life where I can’t handle distractions. I’m not going to shrink to make anyone more comfortable.
That’s all. I’m done ranting, but here is something a little softer and maybe a little more inspirational or whatever:
I don’t know what your situation is or how you got there. I don’t know how bad you messed up. Wherever your story lands, know that God’s grace was and still is extended to a sinner like me and he is trying to do the same for you. He looks at everything you have done wrong, how many times you betrayed him, your ugliest sins, every regret you may have, and yet… he could not love you more. I know this blog is extremely personal but it’s real. It’s the truth. It’s the honest struggles of a Christian teenager. I suppose it is safe to say that the solid motive of writing these is to genuinely express myself through something I am passionate for. While this has turned into my “about me” page on my website, I hope you have enjoyed reading this. I wish I could leave you with a super cool quote or tagline, but I got nothing. Time to blow this popsicle stand. Take it easy fam.
