why big girls cry // advice to my freshman self

my heart breaks for the younger ladies out there. seeing them so freely give themselves away to any guy that looks their way crushes me. i think it hits such a sensitive spot for me because i was there once. that was me, handing my heart out to that guy that i knew had more likeliness of crushing it than of saving it. man, if i could just tell them what i know now. if i could really tell my freshman self something... what would i say? i would tell her that it is all sunshine and rainbows at the beginning; like walking into the halls of cairo high was actually a dream i thought would never come to be a reality. i'd tell her that i get what's it's like seeing all the upperclassmen and trying to figure out how they carry themselves so you can be just like them, seeing what it seems to be the endless amount of staff yelling at the kids to get off their phones, running away from chief jones because you aren't in dress code. i'd say that i know the feeling of never being rushed because hey, you've got four years in this place. and then i would say something about the guy i was completely in love with. the guy that i convinced myself came down from heaven just to smile at me in the hallway. that guy. stay away from him. because what you don't know is that is the same guy that will leave you feeling so broken. that is the same guy that will kiss you and hold your hand but will do the same thing behind your back with the girl sitting across from you in math. that is the same guy that will tell you he loves you but his actions won't line up with his words. that is the same guy who will make you feel so loved at 3 in the afternoon but who will also make you feel so broken at 3 in the morning. that's the guy i'd warn her about. i'd tell her that i messed up. even after all the damage he had done, i waited. even when the average person would have walked away from the start, i stayed. i waited for him to come around. i waited to see if things would get better. i waited to see if he would become the person i imagined him becoming. i waited to see if he would ever realize how much i loved him. all of this waiting, and before i knew it, a few years had passed me by and i was still doing the same old thing... waiting. i would tell her that i had my stretch of bitterness after him, but there came a point where i had to snap out of it because staying bitter would only make him the winner. you understand what i'm saying? staying bitter didn't do me any good. it didn't attract anything good in my life. staying bitter only made the good things in my life run the opposite way. he already controlled too much of me while we were together and staying bitter only meant that he got to control the rest of my life without even having to be in it. i would tell her that instead of walking through the halls of cairo high school, it began to feel like i was in a forest. one so dense and so dark that the sunlight would never be able to reach me. i would wander around in that dark tunnel, not knowing if it would ever come to an end. but before long, another guy found me with arms so warm it melted away the winter. and it began to be summer for a very long time. his name is jesus christ and you need him. you need him to fill every hole in your heart. you need him to cover every void in your life. you need him desperately. there might be someone reading this that has been broken for a while now. you might feel worthless, empty, or lonely. whoever you are, i want you to know that there is a better way to see your problems. you aren't broken, you just need healing, and some of the greatest things you will see God do in your life are the things you were about to walk away from, but you came back just one more time and said: "let me look at this differently" you may see something you didn't see the last time. get a different perspective, because the opposite of faith isn't doubt, it's sight. in other words, sometimes we look at things and think there is no way out, just like moses did when he saw the red sea and there were chariots chasing behind him. the chariots wouldn't have killed him. what would have killed him is his complacency. but God said, "i can make a way through if you look again". and moses didn't keep his focus on the chariots behind him, because if he did, he might have missed the red sea parting in front of him. i believe if you just look again, you will see that God is with you to deliver you and you will see something that has been there all along. that guy who broke up with you, i know he didn't see much in you, but he needs to look again because the next time he sees you, you're going to have such a confidence about who God made you to be that you know you didn't need him to begin with. and all God did was made you take another look within yourself to realize: i am something. i am special. i am valuable. i do have something to offer. don't stop in the gap of who you are and who you want to be, because if you look again you will see that there are more victories behind you than there are battles in front of you. if God has brought you all this way and has never failed you yet, he won't stop now. stop putting your validation in other people's hands because you'll have to go back to them for it. put your validation in who God says you are. don't forget your source and lose your joy. when the great sadness comes uninvited, point to the fire of God inside of you. when it feels like there is no way out, let God make His way in. there is no such thing as the light at the end of the tunnel. the light is something that people call the truth, and the truth has a name. his name is jesus christ and you are His.