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okay, so this might be a lengthy, drawn-out, descriptive blog but i promise you, it won't be boring. i think i should start off by telling you that my past wasn't a very clean one. i could sit here and tell you every single thing i did, but i won't bore you with the details, because every sin is considered the same in God's eyes. so let's just leave that open. i will tell you this though: the thing i chased after most, was guys. essentially, i was looking for love. and let me share with you some off-topic advice - a party is NOT where you find that.
to sum things up, i was hurt repeatedly and so badly because every guy i came into association with, would turn out to be the complete opposite of prince charming. but then, after a while (a loooooong while), i noticed a pattern. they weren't the problem, i was. i was the one that would so freely, so quickly, give myself and my heart away. in result of this, i had really made a name for myself, and not one that i wanted. my reputation was wrecked. it got to a point where i was broken emotionally. and in this time, without thinking, i did something that made me lose my friends, made me lose my pride, made me lose myself altogether. i cannot describe to you how empty and abandoned i felt. how lonely and bitter i had gotten. i had reached my lowest point.
a few months after this, i met someone very influential to my story. he followed God, and he was and still is a great person. this guy isn't one i would typically go after. he wasn't my "type" (i guess you could say). we had nothing in common. the feelings only started developing when i got to know him - his personality entangled me. everything was going great. months passed, and just to be quick and brief, i will go ahead and tell you that feelings died down between us and we became nothing more than the people that passed each other in the hallway, not saying a word. more time went by, and (uh oh) i started to feel it again - the loneliness. i then made efforts to get him back, but for all the wrong reasons. i was lonely - so lonely. so, i asked to meet up. i gave him a nice little speech about how much i genuinely cared for him, blah blah blah, all this lovey dovey stuff (ew gross). at this point, i was starting to get nervous because i had no idea of how he was going to respond. after a few moments of complete silence, he explained to me that he needed time to think it over. in respect of his wishes, i waited. days passed by, and i grew extremely tired of waiting - i started to become anxious. after a while, he finally reached out to me and told me that he had been praying about it for a while, and he sincerely felt that God was telling him no. there's the end to that part. you are probably wondering what relevance he has to my story - just keep reading.
anyways, Dnow came along. my friend asked me if i wanted to go, and i said yes because i didn't really have anything else to do. my friend and i got there that weekend, and gathered with everyone and then walked into the sanctuary. shortly after we arrived, praise and worship started. i kind of just awkwardly stood there, scanning the place, looking for cute fellas in the crowd (not even gonna lie). and then i saw something that caught my eye - a guy, in the front row. i knew this guy. pretty social, well-liked guy. quarterback of the football team, baseball player, super cute. but what really caught my eye about him, is that he would lift up his hands and sing praise to God without hesitation. without a care in the world about anyone thinking differently of him. and in that moment, i could only think - wow. how lovely. an influential person using his platform to glorify the Lord. i wanted the joy he had. i remember praying to God. i asked him (nicely) to take all of it off me. all of the burden, all of the guilt. i just prayed for Him to take it all.
so Dnow weekend came to an end and its time to go to church sunday morning. i was late to sunday school (i'm late to everything). so i missed most of the lesson but i went to the service after that - to make it even :) as i was sitting in the congregation, the preacher was calling people down to the alter for prayer. i don't know why, but in just a split SECOND, tears started to escape my eyes and cascade down my face like a waterfall - so many tears. i asked my friend to come down to the alter with me because there was no way i was going by myself, but i knew, i HAD to get down there. when we got there, i fell to my knees and cried even more. the pain, the shame, the regret... i was crying all of it away. because he forgave me for my sins and they were immediately forgetten about. the peace i felt in that moment was indescribable. i stayed at the alter for a while, but when i got up, i saw so many people behind me, on their knees, praying for me. how amazing... i feel like the most beautiful thing ever, is when someone prays for you and you don't even know it. that is the purest form of love. and the best part about it - i know these people didn't judge me because i sinned differently than them. okay, okay. enough with the sappy talk. let's get back to the story.
a couple of months later, i attended a Christian event called Winterfest. this is really when i felt God's presence. His love came over me and washed me clean. i completely lost it. my makeup probably looked real bad when i left the arena that night because the Holy Spirit was on fire. not just to me, to thousands of others. this is where i got saved. where my fire for God really started. after an amazing weekend of worshiping the Lord and getting closer to Him, i went back home. from that point forward, i began sharing the love of Christ the best i knew how. and i can tell you: the peace and the love i feel, is so amazing.
almost done - just keep reading ;)
as i am typing this, i am thinking of all the events leading up to this - and i am getting chills up and down. the thing i was longing for, was God. the prayer i said at Dnow about wanting God to lift that weight off my shoulders... He did. the loneliness i felt, was God's cry for the time with me. and how, in just a brief second, i started crying like a baby at church? that's the Holy Spirit. and me feeling like i absolutely had to go down to that alter? following Jesus means walking towards what you don't understand. and the guy i told you about that had no correlation whatsoever to the story - just think. if he hadn't of been obedient to what God was telling him, who knows where we would be now. on the other side of obedience is a blessing beyond what we can imagine. when you are just a tiny bit faithful to God, He is a 10x more faithful to you. and do you know how much God loves you? it's SO MUCH.
so here is my happily ever after - remember the guy i told you about... at Dnow? the one worshipping God with no shame at all? yeah, he is my boyfriend now (wait what) and turns out, he had been praying for me for several months before Dnow, and God listened to his prayers, and prepared both of us to come together at exactly the right time. but the funny thing is, we had previous relations before either of us were saved and there wasn't anything between the two of us. the spark just wasn't there. for me, that symbolizes that if something doesn't have God in it, it will fail. it won't last. i didn't fall in love with him, i fell in love with Christ in him.
that is the end of my story. i pray that what you just read will enhance your faith, or at least stimulate some sort of good, hopeful thought. if you need someone to talk to, if you need someone to listen, just pray. God is patiently waiting for you to grab His hand. He loves you more than you will ever be able to even BEGIN to comprehend - unconditional love. i tell my story, not so i get the glory, but for others to have hope. your testimony begins and grows from just a tiny seed of faith.
thank you for reading :)